And I did know, I had missed him so much during the long weeks on the trail, but I also felt a twinge of annoyance. This was the kind of easy camaraderie I had pictured the countless times I had dreamed of the trail over the past year. I knew that when Kevin left the next day, these were the people that I would be hiking with and eating and sleeping next to for days to come. I wanted him to understand why I needed to be out there, and thought that if he could have a true “trail” experience, he’d feel closer to me when he was home. I didn’t understand why my usually affable boyfriend couldn’t just have a good time. I thought about earlier that day, while Kevin slept, when Miss Janet had asked me how the visit was going.
“Good…I think.”
“It’s hard to have someone visit.” She said gently, pouring me a mug of coffee. “I’ve seen it a million times when a hiker’s boyfriend or girlfriend comes out to see them. Remember that while you’ve been out here having all of these intense experiences and making all of these new,male,friends,” she raised an eyebrow, “he’s been sitting at home missing you. He’s probably a little jealous. Just be sensitive, you’ve got a good guy there.”
Remembering Miss Janet’s advice, I swallowed my annoyance, kissed Kevin on the cheek and apologized, “I know, babe, I’m sorry, we’ll have all day tomorrow. I promise.”
Miss Janet had offered to slack pack us the next day, so after another hearty breakfast she shuttled Mike, E, Sug, Pilgrim, Kevin and I twenty miles up the trail so that we could hike south back to her place. Slack packing meant that we could hike without our heavy packs, still move along the trail, but sleep in a bed again that night.
Soon after Miss Janet dropped us off, the rest of the group broke away from Kevin and I. For a thru-hiker, hiking without a pack brings a special freedom. Without the extra thirty-five pounds weighing me down, I felt like I could run up and down the mountains, which is exactly what the rest of the crew was doing. Kevin, while not out-of-shape (but not in spectacular shape either- he was more of a pick-up game and beer kind of guy), didn’t have the stamina the rest of us had acquired over the past month, and so he and I slowly made our way through the woods. After about three miles, Kevin asked to take a break.
“Of course!” I said, forcing myself to stay cheerful even though I was getting antsy by how slow we were walking and worried about how far in front of us the others must be. That morning, Miss Janet had offered to pick Kevin up at a road crossing 10 miles into the hike, but he had refused, figuring he could finish the full twenty miles the rest of us had planned. I had encouraged him to reconsider, thinking that twenty miles might be a struggle, but he insisted he wanted to try.
“Okay, honey,” Miss Janet told him, slipping me her phone number and telling me to bring Kevin’s cell phone, “just in case he changes his mind.”
I found two tree stumps and took out a package of crackers from my jacket pocket. “Here, eat these, they’ll give you a little energy.”
After a few minutes, I noticed Kevin staring at me, “You’re not tired at all, are you?”
“Well…no…not really.”
We started hiking again, over, what seemed to me, fairly easy terrain. Every 15 minutes or so, Kevin needed to stop and catch his breath, and I became increasingly nervous that he was physically not going to be able to hike the full twenty miles. About six miles in, I finally told him that we needed to call Miss Janet and see if she could pick him up. I was scared I would hurt his ego, but to my surprise, he agreed right away. When we reached an open field, I punched Miss Janet’s number into Kevin’s cell, only to find that there was no reception.
Kevin looked panicked, “What are we going to do?”
“Well…” I said carefully, “I guess we’ll just take it slow and keep hiking. I don’t know what else to do.”
The further we hiked, the more worn out Kevin got. And the more worn out he got, the more irritable he became. He started snipping at me, “You don’t pick up your feet at all when you hike.”
“Really? Well, it hasn’t hurt me so far…” Still trying to keep the cheer in my voice.
“It looks so weird. I’m surprised you don’t fall more. You should try picking up your feet.”
Finally, I’d had enough. “LOOK. What is your problem? I know you’re tired, but you complain that we aren’t spending enough time together and the minute we’re alone all you do is bitch at me. What is it, Kevin?? What?” Tears streamed down my face.
“I’m sorry,” he said, tears in his eyes, putting his arms around me. “It’s just, it’s been really hard without you. And, I come out here and you’re having all this fun and it doesn’t seem like you’ve missed me at all. And…and now I’m just frustrated with myself that I’m so tired and we’re not even halfway finished. And I don’t know…”
“What?”
“Well…it sucks to have your girlfriend be in better shape that you are.” He looked down at me sheepishly.
I started laughing, “Kevin…all I’ve been doing for the past month is hiking, of course I’m going to be a stronger hiker at this point. I totally sucked at the beginning!” I gave him a playful rib poke, ” I mean, I wasn’t as slow as you, but I totally sucked.”
The tension cleared, we started walking again. I tried several more times to call Miss Janet, but could never get a signal. At the pace we were going, I feared it would be well after sundown before we finished. Eventually, we came into a clearing and spotted a parking area, which I figured was the 10 mile point.
Just as I was saying “Maybe we can find someone to give you a ride into town!” I spotted Miss Janet’s van in the parking lot. I felt a rush of relief.
“I thought maybe I should just come on anyway…just in case.” She drawled, giving me a wink. E and Sug climbed out the back of the van, handing Kevin and I both donuts and orange juice.
“Sug and I decided we’d wait here, so you’d have someone to finish with.” E told me as we hugged like we hadn’t seen each other in weeks. “Mike and Pilgrim are long gone.”
I thanked Miss Janet and said good-bye to Kevin, who was going to try to find us a hotel room for the night, and then E, Sug, and I started back up the trail. My mood was infinitely lighter and we hiked almost twice as fast as Kevin and I had.
“We were starting to worry…it was taking you guys so long.” E confided.
“Yeah, dude, he was really struggling.”
“Poor guy.”
I decided to chalk the weirdness with Kevin up to his exhaustion and the strain of our time apart. Besides, I was having too good a time with E and Sug, the three of us telling stories from our past, and making up ridiculous scenarios for our future. We were practically running down the trail, even 16 miles into the day, and I marveled at how strong I felt. I told E and Sug about the pact I had made with myself at the beginning of March, when I decided that I would give the trail a month, and if I was still miserable, I would quit.
“I can’t imagine quitting now! We’ve come too far!”
“But does having Kevin here make you want to go home…even a little bit?” Sug asked, probably thinking about his own girlfriend he’d left back in New York.
“No. Not even a little bit.” I said emphatically. “I mean, look, I miss him so much. Everyday I miss him. But this is a once in a lifetime thing, and he’ll still be there when I get home.”
“Good!” E said, putting her arm around me. “I wouldn’t let you leave me anyway.”
We arrived at our pick-up point, still in a great mood and feeling surprisingly energetic for having just finished a 20 mile day. We used a payphone to call Miss Janet, who in turn called Kevin. Miss Janet told me that Kevin had crashed as soon as he got in the van, but that he’d found us a hotel room and wanted to come get me. Miss Janet arrived first with her van full of hikers to pick up E and Sug. It was getting dark, so they decided to wait with me until Kevin got there. Ten minutes passed and the hikers started getting restless; they were on their way to dinner when Miss Janet stopped. After twenty minutes, we started to worry.
“Just go ahead.” I told them.
“No, honey, why don’t I bring you back to my place and you can call Kevin from there.” Miss Janet offered. Then looking at the hungry van of hikers, she added, “I’ll just drop these guys off first.”
I was climbing into the van when the headlight’s of Kevin’s Jeep appeared. Kevin looked frazzled, so I said a quick goodbye to Miss Janet and the hikers and got in the Jeep.
“I got lost.” he mumbled, “I’ve been driving around this fucking town for 30 minutes.”
I touched his hand. “We’ll you’ve got me now. Come on, let’s go back to the hotel.”
An hour later we were content, laying on the ratty motel bed, an empty pizza box sitting on the floor. We watched TV and made small talk, laughing like we always did at the ridiculous reality show contestants. He talked about his job and told me stories about our cat named Cat. As we turned off the lights, my head resting comfortably on his shoulder I said “I’m really glad you came.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah, I really am. And I’m sorry things weren’t perfect. I just, I guess I just wanted you to feel a part of this.”
“But darlin’, I’m not a part of it. This is your thing.” He kissed the top of my head. “And that’s okay. I guess it’s just hard knowing that tomorrow you’ll be back out there and I’ll be driving home where the only thing waiting for me is a flea-bitten cat.”
“Only a few more months and I’ll be all yours.”
“You promise?”
“As long as you get rid of those damned fleas.”
The next morning, after a tearful goodbye, I watched from the sidewalk as Kevin’s Jeep drove away. E walked down from Miss Janet’s porch and put her arm around me. “You okay, babe?”
“Yeah…I’m just a little sad.” I said, wiping my eyes. And relieved, I thought guiltily. I felt relieved to see him go.
To be continued…